Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Breaking up is hard to do (Neil Sedaka)

Two of the people I love ended relationships this week and I'm sorry that they are going through a tough time of it.

In the past my advice to those in this predicament has been less than stellar. I remember a female student once confided in me after I could see she was clearly struggling with something. It was a break up and I immediately knew I was on shaky ground.

I did want to help her though and so I said something like the Oscar Wilde quote (The heart was meant to be broken) - that's what the heart is for. It's for getting broken and getting better and loving again. I don't think she appreciated that right then. I wonder if she remembers my moment of ill-judged advice like I do.

So I am heading into dodgy territory with this post. It might get ugly!

My own experience into the realm of the dumped and the dumper is fairly limited, as it only happened twice to me personally and even then the first episode was pretty gentle.

Back in the late 70s Phyllis and I were kind of going out together but whether we had reached boyfriend/girlfriend status together is fairly moot. Love wasn't in the air, and the guy she dumped me for has been her husband for many years now so that worked out well for us both.

Dallas was the second and worse dumper by far. As with Phyllis we had met at university (in the early 80s) and, compared to Wozza/Phyllis, we had definitely reached the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. So when she two timed me with a fellow student I was shattered. She definitely inflicted a wound and it took roughly two years for me to recover the self confidence to try again: luckily by that time I had met Jacky on February the 26th, 1983 and that was all she wrote.

In the latest cases that I mentioned above there was no third party involved - it was just a question of not quite. Not quite can be decided reasonably quickly or it can take a few years. Eventually not quite will end in sayonara. There's no other way with not quite.

What to say to the broken hearted? Clearly I need help in this area so I Googled that last question.

The advice is a mouse click away - but really all that I found were combinations of the things I understand to be true. A break up is painful for a while. It dents the pride and ego. It makes us question things about ourselves.

But after a while we realise that it wasn't meant to be, that for whatever reason it wasn't true.

Then we dust ourselves off and we get on with it again.

I've always loved the sentiment behind the song - Fools Fall In Love (for more on break up songs try my music blog in the next few days). I offer it here as a salve to the dumped.

Love and peace - Sgt Wozza and the Lonely Hearts Club Band

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