Monday, April 18, 2011

Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, that is how I know you go on (Celine Dion)

I have wanted to write this post for a while but haven't known where to start. I've also been dreading it - I don't want this blog to become an agony aunt exercise, and some things can be too personal for the blogosphere. Thing is, you see, I think about my parents a lot and I miss them a lot and I dream about them a lot.

April is quite a significant month in our family history. Without two significant events happening I wouldn't exist. April 23rd is my mother's birthday - she would have been 81 years old this year. Secondly - April 18th is the anniversary of Graham Purdy's marriage to Dulcie Adsett in 1953. Four years later I came along!

So - things are on my mind in April.  But I still didn't know how to confront this stuff in the blogosphere. Until...
Celine Dion, of all people, opened the door, and you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. The lyrics to a soppy song haunt me - make me cry! This is silly right? Can't help it. Just can't.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never go till we're one

I caught myself the other day unable to place my dad's death in the right year. I felt sure it was a few months ago but that didn't make sense. It felt fresh and I've been in the desert since November last year so his passing in October didn't feel right.

This thought has been haunting me for days. I found myself going through the time lines in my head over and over again, and it didn't make sense. Had we gone to Doha in between? That didn't seem right. Had we returned from England and lived in NZ for three years before his death? I had to look through my blog posts to check and see that his passing was in fact, in 2009. Before Doha. I sat and stared at the screen for a few minutes - not believing my eyes.

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

This strange disassociated/disconnected time and space feeling  - caused by a traumatic event; is this normal? I relive the days of his passing sometimes in the middle of the night - everything is vivid. The light at 1pm reconnects me to the moment when my parents become one again. Sometimes it's a dream and the people who I have called my angels visit me in various forms. Sometimes I wake up before the alarm from a dream and I don't know where I am.

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces

Then I think about my mother's passing in 1983. That seems impossible! Have I really lived all these years without her? Yes and no.

There is a light that never goes out.

To end on a slightly more upbeat note: April is also the month of a couple of other anniversaries and birthdays that I need to celebrate.

Happy April birthdays to Jynette, Catherine, Sallie and Nita (Jacky has great company). I'm sorry I've lumped you all together in a rather melancholy post but I do hope you had great days.

And finally - happy wedding anniversaries to Ross and Lynda (on the 9th) and ME and JACKY!!! On April 21st 1984 we were married in New Plymouth.

Celebration days!

Love and peace - Wozza

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yes, melancholy is an apt word to use in the blog, the song/words of the song are choice. While reading your memories about confusing time/ your 'aghastness' of the passing time, I too felt kinda weird at how quickly time had whizzed by since my own Ma passed. I shan't forget the year as it was only a few weeks before we too were married in April 1984, precisely a week after you and Jacky, albeit a continent away! So yes, April is quite heavy with 'dates' of a variously bittersweet nature. Congratulations to you and Jacky on your 27th Wedding Anniversary, it has been a genuinely interesting 'few' years from my perspective :)